Heartache

Sometimes I don't know what to do anymore with my feelings. I feel so bad right now that I want to cry but I can't, my body won't let me. I hate being alive right now more then ever. I though I felt somethoing for someone and it turns out that I don't but after a while I though about it and I thought I did but it turns out that he is married. I don't know if I should believe it but there is nothing that tells me I shouldn't. I guess all that i should do is thank God that I am still here and ask him to please give the strength to realize that this is one of the things that I can't change and to live with it. i thank God for having known him because it is part of my life. I hope that after today this heartache will pass and I will no longer feel this pain, because I know I am not the only one that has gone through this situation and if someone believes in me that I am strong enough to surpass anything then I better keep to that and lets see what happens. I just wish somebody would respond to my blog and tell me that I am not the only one that has gone through this, and that it might not be the last time I do. I must accept those that I cannot change and keep going because of the people that I do have in my life. No one is perfect except You and I need to understand that life isn't easy, not understand because I already do but accept it already. Please help my heart today because I can't deal with it alone. I give this worry to You because I cannot handle it on my own. Take it from me and do with it as You please!

Depression

So usually I have been feeling low and depressed and it got to the point where I almost gave up on life, so I started talking to some people and one person told me he thinks I could be depressed and so did my counselor so I was like ok and accepted their help so they had to call my parents and though my dad seems supportive its too late. Its too late because throughout my life he has given me so much crap that, also my mother, and so I one day became immune to it and just don't care about them anymore. Anyway, today the session went good, I mean I felt good after I was done; he asked me a bunch of questions about family and like if I'm close to my parents and well NO! I have taken it upon myself to try and not have to tell anyone about the things I go through because I don't want to bug them, even though they say I don't, and I need to figure it out on my own. All I know is that after today there will only be 175 days until graduation and it will be great!!!!!!! Yes I am counting down because I really think that going away will be my cure for the depression that I'm said to have but I'm working on it and hopefully I will get through it soon because the pain, when I get it, is horribly hard and sometimes can be hard to handle so we'll see- I'll see. I guess I should follow my own advice so: Life is hard sometimes- we just need to get over it. But I have to work through it.
Life is hard as it is and with depression it has been a lot tougher when it comes down to going day by day living with whatever it is that is to come. Suffering froma great heartache is the worst part because it is tough to know that someone you have always seen as strong may not be able to take a blow from life. Right now I feel this blog is what is helping deal with my feelings and though I don't know if anyone has read it, I am pretty sure that there are many people out there that can relate to what I am talking about. Life has been a rollarcoaster since this, something worse that I cannot even describe it. I am trying though, but right now depression has weakened me not to the point of crying, but to not being able to cry at all. Crying is not good to do all the time because there is a time and place for everything, but it is a sort of relief for me and if I can't do it through crying I don't know through what I will be able to do it through. I wish there was someone that I could talk to that knows what the heck I am talking about but one day I will.