Prayer for My Mama

 

The Police Officer's Prayer
to St. Michael

Saint Michael, heaven's glorious commissioner of police,
who once so neatly and successfully cleared God's premises
of all its undesirables, look with kindly and professional
eyes on your earthly force.

Give us cool heads, stout hearts, and uncanny flair for
investigation and wise judgment.

Make us the terror of burglars, the friend of children and
law-abiding citizens, kind to strangers, polite to bores,
strict with law-breakers and impervious to temptations.

You know, Saint Michael, from your own experiences
with the devil that the police officer's lot on earth is not
always a happy one; but your sense of duty that so
pleased God, your hard knocks that so surprised the
devil, and your angelic self-control give us inspiration.

And when we lay down our night sticks, enroll us in your
heavenly force, where we will be as proud to guard the
throne of God as we have been to guard the city of all
the people. Amen.

A POLICE OFFICER'S PRAYER

Lord I ask for courage

Courage to face and
Conquer my own fears...

Courage to take me
Where others will not go...

I ask for strength

Strength of body to protect others
And strength of spirit to lead others...

I ask for dedication

Dedication to my job, to do it well
Dedication to my community
To keep it safe...

Give me Lord, concern
For others who trust me
And compassion for those who need me...

And please Lord

Through it all
Be at my side...
--Author Unknown

Today I woke up and I  didn't want to,

I felt like going back to sleep to never wake,

I said I was sorry many times,

I try to change,

But its not enough.

I wish I was a good person,

I wish I wasn't bad,

I wish I could just be happy,

I wish I wasn't sad.

I'm sorry for the things I have done,

I'm sorry that I hurt you,

Yes,

You have been through hell and back,

But I have too.

I'm sorry for everything,

I know I can't take it back,

Nothing good that I do can.

I am embarrassed of myself,

I am embarrassed that everyone knows,

I am embarrassed of what I have done,

I am embarrassed of myself.

I wish I could change everything,

But I can't.

I wish I could take back you meeting me,

So you wouldn't have me on you back,

But I can't.

I wish I could make you proud of me,

But how can I if I'm not proud of myself?

Heartache

Sometimes I don't know what to do anymore with my feelings. I feel so bad right now that I want to cry but I can't, my body won't let me. I hate being alive right now more then ever. I though I felt somethoing for someone and it turns out that I don't but after a while I though about it and I thought I did but it turns out that he is married. I don't know if I should believe it but there is nothing that tells me I shouldn't. I guess all that i should do is thank God that I am still here and ask him to please give the strength to realize that this is one of the things that I can't change and to live with it. i thank God for having known him because it is part of my life. I hope that after today this heartache will pass and I will no longer feel this pain, because I know I am not the only one that has gone through this situation and if someone believes in me that I am strong enough to surpass anything then I better keep to that and lets see what happens. I just wish somebody would respond to my blog and tell me that I am not the only one that has gone through this, and that it might not be the last time I do. I must accept those that I cannot change and keep going because of the people that I do have in my life. No one is perfect except You and I need to understand that life isn't easy, not understand because I already do but accept it already. Please help my heart today because I can't deal with it alone. I give this worry to You because I cannot handle it on my own. Take it from me and do with it as You please!

Depression

So usually I have been feeling low and depressed and it got to the point where I almost gave up on life, so I started talking to some people and one person told me he thinks I could be depressed and so did my counselor so I was like ok and accepted their help so they had to call my parents and though my dad seems supportive its too late. Its too late because throughout my life he has given me so much crap that, also my mother, and so I one day became immune to it and just don't care about them anymore. Anyway, today the session went good, I mean I felt good after I was done; he asked me a bunch of questions about family and like if I'm close to my parents and well NO! I have taken it upon myself to try and not have to tell anyone about the things I go through because I don't want to bug them, even though they say I don't, and I need to figure it out on my own. All I know is that after today there will only be 175 days until graduation and it will be great!!!!!!! Yes I am counting down because I really think that going away will be my cure for the depression that I'm said to have but I'm working on it and hopefully I will get through it soon because the pain, when I get it, is horribly hard and sometimes can be hard to handle so we'll see- I'll see. I guess I should follow my own advice so: Life is hard sometimes- we just need to get over it. But I have to work through it.
Life is hard as it is and with depression it has been a lot tougher when it comes down to going day by day living with whatever it is that is to come. Suffering froma great heartache is the worst part because it is tough to know that someone you have always seen as strong may not be able to take a blow from life. Right now I feel this blog is what is helping deal with my feelings and though I don't know if anyone has read it, I am pretty sure that there are many people out there that can relate to what I am talking about. Life has been a rollarcoaster since this, something worse that I cannot even describe it. I am trying though, but right now depression has weakened me not to the point of crying, but to not being able to cry at all. Crying is not good to do all the time because there is a time and place for everything, but it is a sort of relief for me and if I can't do it through crying I don't know through what I will be able to do it through. I wish there was someone that I could talk to that knows what the heck I am talking about but one day I will.

IDK

I hate it how when you say something without thinking it can be taken in a negative way even though it wasn't meant to be taken like that. I said to a friend something the other day without thinking and she took it the wrong way, I wasn't lying about it but I didn't think before I spoke and now she has her feelings hurt and so are mine. I told her I'm sorry but I know she is hurt and I'm really sorry for what I said but she doesn't seem to understand and I understand that because she is hurt and mad. I hate when things like tis happen because I feel bad because of it and then I think of things that I shouldn't because they are dangerous. I hate this and I wish I could change what I said and make everything better but I can't because this is Life and this is how it is. God, you know I am very sorry and I didn't mean it. You know that I wasn't lying about it because she was talking about it last year but please God may she understand that I am truly sorry because I didn't mean for her to get hurt or mad. I'm sorry.....really sorry.

Money

Money: everybody wants some and some can't get enogh of it. I hate that money is everything because without it you can't do anything. My I guess "views" about it today is for college. I am starting to apply for scholartships because I will be a Senior next year and then I will be off to college. You see my family isn't the richest or poorest I guess but to pay for it, it wil not be coming out of our pockets. I mean I work and so do my parents and bmy brother but sometimes it seems that it isn't enough at all. I really do hate that money is everything! I wish there was some other way to get things without having to pay for them. Maybe one day in the near future........no, thats never going to happen. Well all I have to say is that I wil find a way to go to college for as long as I need and if I have to work during that time that is fine with me. Well I guess this all for now folks. Until next time bloggers.

Hope

Hope. What is hope? Hope: to cherish a desire with anticipation. Whatever you want to call it but we all have it. Maybe not always but sometimes. We write in cards that we 'hope for the best' for the other when sometimes the message is intended for us. I have had many hopes throughout my life like all of you out there, and sometimes they have been crushed by a person or another. I have always found a way I  guess to get over it and keep going and hope for someting better tommorrow. I have hoped that my family could jst stop being 'two-faced' and just tell the truth. Obviously that hasn't happenned because I am here writing about it. I have learned the hard way the horrors of being hurt by ones family and I have learned that it is best just to communicate with them once in while so that you won't get attached and later have your feelings crushed and cry and regret(sometimes) every knowing that person or calling them 'family'. For a long time I have dealed with this and I have made another family at school, full of teachers and friends that I am not attached to but can count on for support. As humans I know that we have problems with attachment. I am not saying that it is a bad thing, but in some situations it can be. You just have to remember that you never know what is going to happen to you or the other person because you are not God and or a psychic (except for those who are). I think that my greatest of all hopes is that one day there will be no more war, enemies or races. Just one race: Humans. We will call eachother family, and eat together at the tabe. I know this sounds 'corny' or whatever but ever since I was little I have hoped for this, I wish we were all children because they do not know race, color, or enemy; they know friend. I wish that one day this will happen and when it does I will be very happy. I don't care if it takes us one hundred years, or one hundred years later, but one hundred years later I will be gone but I will know when it happens.I hope that this has given you a braoder understanding of hope and that you express you'rs too.

Random

Today (April 8,2010) has just been one of those days that I can't wait for it to be over. I feel anxious all of a sudden with a hint of uncomfortable. Sometimes I don't get why we have such emotions, sometimes they are so powerful that you may want to weep or just leave the place where you are. For me I think that the biggest ones are sadness, anxious and uncomfortable. Usually I have no idea where it came from and I don't know how to get rid of it. I try to do what Morrie, Tuesdays with Morrie, did which was t recognize it first, then let it dwell a little and then let it go, but for me it isn't that easy to do. I hate how we have to deal with these profound things and I wish that when I felt a certain way I could just basically shrug it off but I can't.




On a lighter note, I guess, in my psychology class we talked about stranger anxiety. I don't know what it has to do with this topic I am writing about but I just felt like sharing it. according to the Johari window I should be sharing everything with people I know, but I don't know you guys but I feel ok doing it so there.:-) as I have said before I have never really blogged before, in other words I don't know what bogging is all about, but what I seem to have understood is that you just write about random things, so I guess that is what I am basically doing with mine.

Prom is one of those things that I have seen is a really big thing where I live, especially with the girls, I don't know about the boys because imp a girl. Anyways I am a junior and I have decided that I will be going to this prom, even though it is for the seniors, so I went and got a dress and today I found out that my friend got the same one. That was my biggest fear, and I had told her a billion times about my dress and she still got the same one (but in shorter length). I don't want to make this a big deal and all but my mom will when she finds out.

So what has been going on with all these things that the stars do and people making it such a big deal out of it? I mean Tiger Woods for instance, he cheated so what; he is not the first man who has done it. I personally don't care what he doe, I mean it did bug me at first but what could I do? Nothing, that’s what. This doesn't change a thing about him to me, I mean I like him because he is the greatest golf player I have ever seen. And the president, all this stuff they are talking about him, like him going to schools. What the heck is wrong with that, I mean I would love for him to come to my high school, boy that would be great. News flash people he's actually trying to make the United States a better place. He is a very respectable man and I am soooooooooooooooo glad he is our president, please just stop this stuff and leave him and everyone else alone. You need to be worried about yourselves, what if your kid is ditching class and the other one is running away. Pay attention to your own lives because that is where you are there for a reason. Just get over it, they are human like everyone else.(I will continue on this topic in a later bog)

Another topic that I like to talk about is Michael Jackson and his family. He was a good man and now that he is dead his family is going through too much and the media won't leave them alone. My heart goes out to them, each and every one f them. To me they are the best family that is in the music business. I have seen the Jacksons: A Family Dynasty and they are the nicest people you will ever meet. I sure haven't met them, yet anyway, but I now this. How? I can't explain it but when you know something you just know. Please just let those children be happy and live a normal life, not only them but the rest of the family. His family and fans, we are all suffering but we will get through it.God bless that family.

Say Goodbye

I have thought about something for a very long time. What is the hardest thing for a person to do? I think it is having to say good bye. At least for me anyway. My cousins, aunt and uncle were here Friday,Saturday and today and they just left about an hour ago.  know that they only live in Arizona, but it is hard to let go. I cried and then I tried to do what Morrie did(Tuesdays with Morrie)and tried to recognize the sadness and let go, it is hard ut I guess its fine. I miss my aunt and uncles funniness,Alias light shows and wierdness, and Damiens jokes and hugs. They said that if it snows really bad that they were going to stay in Santa Fe and I hope that happens,and if not I hope they get home sound and safe. I love my family and I loved how we woud walk to the Family Dollar and then to Dairy Queen!!! I am really going to miss that but I know that we will be seeing eachother soon!!!!I love you guys!!!!!!!

When God Made Me

When God made me I don't know what He was thinking about. I think that with every person that is born into this Earth He adds a little piece of Him to us in hopes of spreading His love. I guess when He was making me He was thinking about what kind of person I would become after growing up. I am a very lovable, friendly, hard working, intelligent, quiet, shy, fun loving person. I have been told that I bring joy to others with my smiles and laughter. I am just a regular person in the world trying to figure out what my purpose in life is. I know I have goals, and that each and every day is another step closer to my future. I am a person who hopes that she will one day be able to go off on her own and be able to be happy and help others and teach them valuable lessons in school and in life. I want to show people that even a girl from a small town like Pecos can live up to great things. That it is not where you come from but where you are going. I think that when God made me He knew that I had aspirations and that I would be able to go and help out His people to become a better place to live in. I really don't know what good had in mind when he planned on letting me out into the world or if I have been in the path that he has chosen for me. I do know one thing though, that I am going to make my life on Earth worth while and always take each day as a blessing and make sure to always say thank you and never say ' I wish that didn’t happen' because everything in life, even the bad things, are lessons that are learned by those who are willing to learn them and are always waiting for the next day. So I say to you readers of this blog, go forth and be not afraid what the day brings to the, for thou will surpass it and be ready for the next encounters.

Better

I have always known that there is someone out there that has helped me get to where I am now. I knew that that person is God. I have always heard of how some people always talk to God or ask for His assistance when they are in need of something. That is one of the most selfish reasons to need Him for, especially if you do not say thank you after He grants it for you. I can tell you that I was one of them. I had always prayed every night as I was accustomed to do, but I never said thank you for another day of life, or for the blessings that I had received that day. Now I am a changed person, as I look back I can't help to think that I might have been going on the wrong path in life. I now know to ask for everyone's day to be blessed with any little thing. I look for those blessings, but of course there was a time where I couldn't quite remember to ask for them. I now am a very productive student in hopes of someday becoming a teacher and getting my life together. I thank my friends, teachers and aunts who have helped me see what the good things in life really are. I hope to make you all proud one day and show you that all of your help has helped me achieve my goals and aspirations. Thank you I say to you all.

Life....My Thoughts.....

Life is full of wonder and expectations. Expectations form oneself and from others. We have grown into thinking that women have to be stick skinny and men have to be "buff". The truth is that we can be anyway we want to be, but unfortunately that doesn’t mean tat we will always be accepted by some. We must make mistake in order to learn new things and grow. We learn what is right and what is wrong. Don't get me wrong, no one is perfect except for God up there. There is a reason that He made us imperfect, I believe it was so that we could learn what our calling in life is. As I stated we must learn to grow. And our lives on Earth are what prepare us for the Eternal Life in Heaven. I am proud to say that I have found God and that I am still searching for what I am supposed to do in my life. I know I will find it someday, I don't know when I will find that out though. For now I know that I want to go to college and major in something that I will enjoy and that will help me to help other people, especially children. I think that people underestimate the knowledge that a child has, and how much of a delight they are. Children are our future, and how we respond to them is what will determine what they will go on to be or do. Being a teenager and juggling High School, College, working and homework is not easy but if you have a great attitude you will enjoy the ride. I have found that picking a major for myself is not easy. I have been through so many things and I still don't know what I want to be. There are so many things to chose from and that is the hard part. Being a person that doesn't really talk to anyone has been one of my challenges. Although it has taken me time to overcome them I have little by little become more sociable. I love meeting new people but sometimes I don't know what to talk about when I am around them. I used to think that whatever I said would sound stupid to other people. I thought people would look down upon me and think that I was untalented and worthless. I had a low self esteem back then and now I have learned that I was the only one that looked down upon myself, I thought I wasn't capable of doing anything but be felt sorry for by everyone including me. Now I have joined Drama and have made friends with the people there, even though I had already known them for most of my life. I hope to make more friends in my journey in life. I hope to make a change in the world and be happy with what I have and what I am capable of doing for others and myself.

Advocating

Yesterday was Film Day in Santa Fe New Mexico. Why? Well because there is a bill that may or may not be passed to take away the film industries from here. That is what we don’t want to happen, and that is why we went. If anyone from the Roundhouse reads this please read all of this. Drama and Film classes have given us an opportunity to show everyone everywhere that we can act and direct movies and plays. We are from the small town that has never been acknowledged for our triumphs. I really hope that you understand that Miss. Janet Davidson has come from being a director to being our Drama and Film teacher and we have never had that so please do not take that from us.

Thank you,
Catherine E. Brown-Ruiz